Why Don’t You Cheat? Be Careful Asking Your Partner This Question
Why don’t you cheat? The question that turned TikTok against Travis. Usually, when TikTok graciously allows our content to be viewed by many people, I am typically under fire. One simple clip in which Travis answers “Why don’t you cheat?” have caused the tables to turn. Travis is the bad guy for once and women are wondering why I have yet to file for divorce! Sure it was a short clip and if you know anything about Travis and/or our relationship, you know that he loves me very much. However, I can be objective and totally see how without any other context, Travis' answer sounds cold, frigid, out of tune with love. Unfortunately his answer reads as “sure i've thought about it, but I don't want to deal with the consequences.” OUCH! That leaves people to wonder… Does he always desire to sleep with other women? If he could do it without consequences he would? Wait… WHAT ABOUT LOVE AND RESPECT AND COMMITMENT? This ultimately fed my curiosity as to how other people would answer that question. So I became a journalist for the day and started asking people three simple questions: Why do people cheat? Why have you cheated in the past? What stops people from cheating?
This conversation was inspired by the book, Us by Terrence Real. Click here for my review of the book.
The responses I received to “Why do people cheat? And why have you cheated in the past?” had a few recurring themes. People cheat because of immaturity and lack of self control, vengeance, fulfilling an unmet desire, lack of respect and commitment, ego feeding, attention seeking, and a ‘you only live once’ mindset. So basically, do that thing that feels good even if it's wrong. When we stop and think about it, these are all qualities that we may have held at some point in our lives. Our young adult brains were deathly afraid of FOMO. We lacked role models when it came to commitment. We’ve been hurt and vengeance has felt like the only thing that will make it better. So ultimately, what is “the thing” that despite all these very real, and very human feelings stops us from cheating.
When it came to what stops people from cheating, the answers all revolved around a deep self awareness and relational awareness. Yes, you will occasionally find other people attractive, but it won't turn into desire. Mostly because people realize it's more rewarding to nurture intimacy within their relationship. People are aware of the pain they would be inflicting on their loved ones. Maybe experience with cheating is the best teacher? They are also familiar with the guilt that follows. Very logically, many people are committing to monogamy. It’s not the typical romance you see on screen, or on your favorite TikTok accounts. But it’s real, and it’s just as committed.
Here is a transcription of this specific part in the podcast without all the umms and likes
Stephanie: Why don't you cheat? What keeps you from cheating? What stops you from doing the “relationship no no''?
Travis: There's a few things, one: I know it will make our marriage very difficult if I did. I don't know for sure whether or not you will leave me but; do I want to gamble that? So those thoughts run through my mind. Then I also think about what I'm doing it for? I could be gaining 30 seconds of fun for a lifetime of misery.
Travis: Why don't you cheat?
Stephanie: Same, well one I don't want to lose my relationship, I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to have my sons think I risked their stability and their home for some fun with someone. I've never had a desire to be with someone outside of this relationship, like genuinely, not the human stuff that you think someone is hot or cute, but like to really be like, i'm going to risk it all, no, i've never had that.
These are some of the responses I received while being a journalist for the day. Feel free to answer the same questions in the comment box below.
“Why do people cheat?”
I think it’s rooted in insecurities and the need to fill some type of void. I’ve seen different scenarios of “why” people cheat and I think it’s always a reflection of the cheater's trauma/insecurities. I’ve also seen people who are very hurt who do it “vengefully” but I think deep down, it’s all unresolved trauma. Even people who cheat on their ideal partner and someone who “doesn’t deserve it” whatever that means, do it because THEY are missing something deeper and decide to blame the relationship.
-Female, In A Relationship, 29
I think one reason people cheat is because they ultimately don’t truly care about the relationship. The respect isn’t there. Maybe you love them, but you don’t respect them. Maybe you did respect them, but at that moment for whatever reason you do not. I’m also at an age where I realize it’s more complicated than just one solid reason.
-Female, Married, 30
I believe people cheat because they have no self control. I believe everyone has choices in life and if you decide to break up your family instead of working hard to save it then you deserve whatever consequences come with your actions.
-Female, Single, 23
People say cheating is due to a lack of something in the current situation. I truly feel cheating is based more on feeding your ego. [More] than the actual pleasure one might get from it. Prior to my marriage I fed that ego. You want to see if you still got it. You want to see if you're still wanted (By the streets). More times than not it resulted in the "Post nut clarity". Why am I here? Shit was wack?
-Male, Married, 37
I think people can/do cheat for many reasons like just simply being immature, not knowing how to leave/end a relationship properly, wanting to “get back” at a partner like vengeance, maybe temptation, wanting the feeling for something “NEW”.
-Cisgender female, in a relationship, 21
I believe people cheat because they aren't truly fulfilled. maybe they're chasing an experience that their partner can't provide.
-Male, Single, 35
I think people cheat because they’re afraid of commitment. Everyone’s definition is different though. But they either don’t know what that looks like or they don’t believe it’s possible. You’ve never witnessed it, you’re afraid. You’re maybe bored and not ready to settle down. Maybe not ready to settle down, but you’re battling something if you feel the need to cheat. They’re insecure about something. Things might still be in the air. Or they have a nothing lasts forever mindset. Aka you only live once, take every shot you get.
-Female, Married, 30
Why have you cheated in the past?
I cheated once and I was very young and insecure. It was my first boyfriend and I ended up feeling so bad that I told him. In the end, he took me back only to get back at me and hurt me terribly. I noticed then that this was all a crazy cycle and I had to be the one to break it going into my other relationships.
-Female, In A Relationship, 29
I’ve cheated in the past because I didn’t trust my partner. I liked the attention I was getting from other people I would entertain. I had this mindset of life is short, enjoy the moment, everything happens for a reason, why not do it all??? My partner at the time didn’t make me feel comfortable or confident in myself nor our relationship.
-Female, Married, 30
What stops people from cheating?
For me, it’s the knowing that there’s always going to be “more” or “better” out there, but better for who? I found someone who I can laugh with, who is good to me, who motivates me and makes me feel loved and safe. That is enough for me. If at any time our paths have to separate I’ll know it’s not because I was seeking more elsewhere, but because that’s just what had to happen. I also think back to that cycle I experienced and know I never want to be a part of something so toxic again.
-Female, In A Relationship, 29
What stops people isn’t as simple as “the opportunity isn’t there”, or “i only have eyes for one person”. I don’t believe that’s the case. Humans experience lust and desire, it’s a natural feeling. What stops people is the realization of the cost/benefit. Yes I’ll enjoy the thrill of a new fling/relationship/etc but is it worth the potential of losing ALL i have with my current person.
-Female, Married, 30
What stops people from cheating is allowing yourself to cherish what it is you do have. I don't think nothing in the world is worth breaking that bond that trusts that love. I don't think it will ever be the same after. Can you mend things yes but 100% healed no way. Even watching a movie or show of someone cheating things will feel awkward like ooo man now she thinking about that time I fucked up and got caught lol. I would feel horrible to know I gave into my ego. Self control is huge. I know and remember it like yesterday pursuing my wife and continuing to remind myself what I have now was once among the things I can only hope for.
-Male, Married, 37
What stops me from cheating is knowing that if someone were to do this to me, i’ll be crushed. I also love the relationship I'm in and i don’t have desires to go behind my partner's back and be with someone else. I know I can't find what he has in other people so why even try?
-Cisgender female, in a relationship, 21
I personally haven't cheated. Any situation that no longer served me, I've always removed myself from.
-Male, Single, 35
Time, energy, love, dedication, communication, trial and error. Foundation, I think if you lay the right foundation you start to realize that cheating is not going to give you what you really want and desire. If you have the right foundation whether it may be knowing someone for long or being in love with them that’s going to be the difference, it has to be strong.
-Female, Married, 30