US by Terrence Real | Book Review
My thoughts and what it's about
My whole life I have struggled to be a disciplined reader. I was shocked that I was literally devouring Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship: Us by Terrence Real (I will refer to it as just Us moving forward). Now, I may be biased as I am the host of a relationship podcast, so I found that the content was on brand. However, as a lover of love and authentic connection, this book was both insightful and entertaining. The author focused on getting readers to stop facing relational disagreements as an individual. He emphasizes how our society is hell bent on pushing individualism, which oftentimes leads people in a relationship to fight tooth and nail to be right, instead of to be happy. This book forces you to see how perhaps the things that might make you a wonderful employee, or successful, might actually make you a shitty partner.
In this wonderful book, Terrence introduces us to a variety of couples to show us how individualism is ruining their relationships. Then he gives them, and us the readers, the tools necessary to work towards a more relational perspective that leads to a more cohesive intimate relationship. The diversity in his couples allows almost anyone to find a relatable perspective. I personally saw myself, my husband, or a friend in each person I met along my read.
Terrence encourages his clients to look into their upbringing to make sense of their individualistic qualities and how their childhood forced them to develop particular survival techniques. Then he encourages them to draw connections to how they are triggered in their adult life, causing them to act like that child in survival mode. This made Us not only a relationship book, but a parenting book for me. I had many moments of “uh oh, I better change this about my parenting before my sons force their partners to nurture their wounded inner child.”
I do have a couple of critiques of the book, such as the times when Terrence used words I had never heard of, only to google it and realize he could have used a much more common word with the same meaning. It was a little fun to learn new words (I still play WORDLE every night), but I also was reminded of how in the past if a book had too many big words I would just put it down and give up. My other critique is that towards the end of the book, he finally mentions how race and racism in America impacts our behavior in intimate relationships. It was even more disappointing that when he brought it up, he told us how it was a client, many years into his practice, that pointed out his lack of understanding of the topic and gave him a reading list. Although, I do think he moved towards repair. His insight on the subject was very critical and showed genuine understanding.
Us was gifted to me by one of my best friends and was originally recommended to her by her therapist. Her sharing this book is a reminder that we shouldn't gate keep the lessons or recommendations we learn in therapy. Although therapy is becoming less taboo and being discussed more in our culture, many of us still struggle to find the time or prioritize it for our mental health. Not to mention that therapy can be an unattainable privilege for many due to the systems in place gatekeeping healthcare insurance accessibility and literacy for marginalized groups of people.
Trigger warnings
Race and Racism
Child Abuse
Neglect
Sexual Abuse
Sex and Intimacy
Who is this book for
All Married people, I believe it is valuable information even for couples not in crisis.
People in monogamous relationships
People who are single looking to gain relational skills
Memorable Quotes
“ We are individuals, yes, but individuals whose lifeblood is connection.”
“Love is like a Roto-Rooter – it will push every button you own; it will bring up to the surface every unhealed wound and fissure that has lodged inside your body. Nothing stimulates hurt quite the way love does.”
“...the Adaptive Child reflects the cultural values at large, people who primarily live from their Adaptive Child parts are generally great success in the world financially and professionally. Meanwhile they make a hash of their personal lives.”
“Maturity is when we tend to our inner children and don’t inflict them on our partners to care for.”
“We are sickened sometimes by what we can’t stop thinking about, but we can be even more damaged by what we refuse to think about.”
“Racism lies in the poisoned heart of America. So does patriarchy. Both are children of the Great Lie, the delusion of individualism, that one can be essentially superior or inferior to another human being.”
About the author (from inside the book cover, not my words)
Terrence Real is an internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and author. He founded the Relational Life Institute, offering workshops for couples, individuals, and parents, along with a professional training program for clinicians to learn Relational Life Therapy methodology. He is the best selling author of I Don’t Want to Talk About It, How Can I Get Through to You?, and The New Rules of Marriage.